Hello fellow earthlings! How have you been? How is life on planet Earth treating you?
I say this because I feel like I have been away from the world for a while now! Noooo, not literally because that's not possible(........yet?) but you know just, AWAY away.
The truth is, I was recently on a journey, actually am still; you know the normal kind where you go back in time to discover fire, build the pyramids, learn how to speak dinosaur(ese) and all that. B)
Yep, that's me!
Okay, fineee. That may not be ENTIRELY true (it is mostly, though) but I have been on a journey reminiscing and repenting on the past, digging up and through the old achievements and mistakes in search for answers. I maybe having an existential crisis. I know this may sound like a lazy excuse to the naked ear but recently I have been engulfed with an assortment of emotions and thoughts (most of them self deprecating) as I question myself who am I? What exactly is it that I want to become? How do I define myself? I know, I know, I sound way to "filmy" but I think at one point everybody asks themselves these questions. I feel like I ought to know these things by now that I am out of my teens. I feel almost ashamed that I cannot answer these questions yet and it bothers me, constantly , day in day out, as I try to seek answers. I spoke to a close acquaintance of mine( a real old soul; he's younger than me but somehow much much wiser) that this was me growing up and not a - finally breaking out of shell that kept me safe in the ambiguity of life that an infant is allowed to have but only weakling adults are expected to have in this fast paced world.
I know it sounds a lot like excuse but once you start thinking about these things and realize you've disappointed yourself if not anybody else, it makes it very difficult to focus on other things- especially when you are expected to be creative.
So what triggered this string of (I think) rather morbid thoughts? Actually I have been going through these emotions for quite a while now. The last year, in retrospect has been one of the most demoralizing, discombobulated and wonderful years I have lived so far. I spent so many days thinking of ways to improve myself, so many days beating myself up about mistakes that I had made, so many days just practicing the impossible art of self acceptance and so many days just giving up. But it hit me hard when I found a card a wise person had given me last year on my birthday. But before you understand this message, you will have to understand this theory/idea I came up with when I was in the sixth grade.
It all started with a picture as I was flipping through a magazine. It was an ad for some house paint, I'm guessing, which basically sent out the message that 'colors can represent who you are ,and that's why you should choose from our large selection of colors to find the one that is just right for you.' Well, I am not really concerned for the second part of the message but the concept of a color representation actually intrigued. And more importantly, I fell in love with the picture- it was a woman with a smart hairstyle (as Dan Brown would long enough to look feminine and short enough to remind you she's probably smarter than you) dressed up in a rich brown power suit with dark lipstick. The lady had a look on her face, one I simply cannot describe using one adjective - it was seductive, elegant but dark all at the same time. Ever since I saw this particular picture, I had decided that THIS is what I wanted to be. This lady was the sort of person I aspired to embody- sophisticated and classy but at the same time exuberating an energy that would both intimidate you and seduce yo. I have saved that picture for years. And even after all these years, I still have it. If my personality could be a color, I WANT to be brown- the same rich passionate brown that I saw the day I discovered that picture. It was from this point onward I started categorizing people into color- not that I mean to judge them, its just fun and I feel like in a way I know what to expect. For example I would categorize my mother to be golden- and no I am not saying this because she;s my mother but this woman is a truly extraordinary human being. My mother despite all the things she has been through still manages to radiate this incandescent emanation that you would not expect from someone who gets up at five in the morning to go to one job and quickly rushes home to grab a quick bite before going to her other job, paying all the bills single handed, taking out time to call everybody else and see how they're doing, take care of her health and physique and be as fabulous as she is. She is like that special little gold trinket that manages to work its way around work outfits to party outfits and will therefore,NEVER fail you. But in all honesty, I also labelled her gold because gold can be a little gaudy sometimes which can be annoying, like she can be (SOMETIMES)
Likewise, I categorize my older brother in the purple category. Purple, the color of royalty, in my eyes defines my brother perfectly. Affluent in character and in depth, I think the stand offish character of the color (despite the fact that a bunch of teenagers started randomly fan girling over the color for some inconceivable reason a few years ago) represents his nascent way of doing things or making decisions, whether it just be choosing a career path many of us fail to understand or being okay with the 'old guy' in town (like he's 50), Be aware however that purple can often be mistaken for things it isn't and like that. Likewise, I do find my brother lost in his own decisions a lot of the times., jumping back and forth, a little lost. But alas,he always does find a way out though.
I have categorized almost every person I have met, sometimes for meaningful reasons, sometimes because of something so trivial, I start to believe I am petty. Like how I categorize almost all the crazy one direction fans into sky blue, like the sky, pleasant but boring (like they don't have a mind of their own.) There are a range of colors and each colors fits a personality.
Don't worry though, I do not look at this method as a means of judging people but as a means of judging myself. I had decided the day I discovered the picture that I would be 'The Brown Lady.' However, I sadly inform you I feel much like someone who's white. And no, white doesn't represent innocence. White represents plain and insipid. Because I know so little about myself, my personality, I think is like a white canvas, anyone can come and color it whatever they want and I wouldn't mind. I am easily influenced and often confused, Also most importantly I am not the slightest hint of brown.
This is where my friend's card found me again and had me thinking of myself in a little more positive light. He essentially explained (in the most beautiful English, really you should see this guy write) that I am looking at this the wrong way, that white isn't simply white- its an amalgamation of the seven rainbow colors. That I am not 'zero-faceted' (ooohhh, I just made a word) but rather multi faceted person, a quality most of the people fail to have. And I am not like this random ugly splatter painting but rather like the rainbow a harmonious and balanced union that just fits together like a puzzle.I was capable of doing and being anyone of anything I like, from the preppy yellow to passionate red to calm and collected blue.I need not be one color and according to how much he knew about me I am "definitely NOT plain."
But as much as I would like to believe him, I can't seem to be able to. I, however, am getting there. Discovering and accepting who I am. It is a tight rope, to be able to make accept who you are for what you are (not the helpless wreck you make out of yourself in your head or amazing person you are in someone else's) and what you want to be (The Brown Lady.) But it has had me rethinking the brown lady image- maybe I am programmed to be the white or rainbow or whatever I maybe and not THAT lady in the picture I have been saving up for years. Maybe that acceptance will be a truthful admittance. Or perhaps it will simply be me giving up on who I want to be.
I am sorry this was long and I am so narcissistic throughout this write up. I just had to let this out, otherwise I am pretty sure I would be stuck in this pathetic rut of not doing the things I am supposed to.
On another note maybe someday, if anyone is interested I will write down exactly what the card/note said. It is beyond beautiful the way things are phrased.
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