This piece was published on Paradesh.com, A literature E-magazine among others.

good effort.

In the title, I see it being presented as Gazal so to make it a gazal, this needs some more work to fit into proper rules.

The "Beher" is way off.

Gazals usually do not have titles.

your radiff is fine but the quafia on the first lines of each sher is unnecessary.

Check out Nepe's previous postings on the rules of gazhal in this forum.

whatever shirish wether its gajal or not but its good...
good work surendra ji.

ruina,

I infact, I did praise his/her efforts of writing.

If he/her had not catagorized this writing as ghazal, I would not have made any comments. Once he/she classifies something, then the rules are to be followed.
ruina, s/he is ruining the charms of ghazal.

May be your comments initiates the need of the editors of Paradesh.com to educate and not publish "FAZAL" in the name of "gazal".

Ruina, whats wrong in accepting mistake and be correct for the rest of life?

Any way its awesome man. I loved it dude. Keep the spirit up. Aru pani jaaos na ta sathi. J hoos tapai jasto creative byakti le garda ta sajha ko samman pani badeko cha. Ki kaso ta mitra ho ?




Jai Nepal

शिरिष,

गजलका स्थापित नियमहरु प्रति गजल रचनाकारको ध्यानाकर्षण गर्नु एउटा जिम्मेवारीपूर्ण काम थियो । धन्यवाद ।

त्यसो त अपरम्परागत तर गजल सदृश रचनाहरुलाई स्वतन्त्र गजल (free style ghazal) को रुपमा सम्मान गर्नुपर्छ भन्ने मेरो व्यक्तिहत मान्यता छ ।

तर रचनाकारलाई आफ्नो रचना कुन वर्गमा पर्छ भन्ने ज्ञान चाही हुनै पर्छ ।

त्यसो भएपछि सबैलाई सुविधा ।

जे होस् गजल विधाप्रति तपाईको प्रेम सह्राहनिय छ ।

1.Chhanda milayera lekhena bhane KAVITA nai bhanna mildaina bhanya jasto kura nagarum...
2. Pradesh.com bhanya pani hami jastai sathiharule chalayeko hola mistake huna sakla. Gajal lai Fajal bhanyo bhanihalna mildaina. Kaam garne jagarlai durutsahan garne khaalko comments JHARKO lagdo hunchha...
3. "Paudi khelna sakne bhayepachhi matra paudi khel!" bhanera advice nadim. Tyasari ta tyo manchhe jindagi bhari Paudi khelna janne hundaina...

ruina,whats wrong in accepting mistake and be correct for rest of life.
shirish ji,
thaha nai bhayeena maile tyati bhanda hajur maathi yati dherai kura aiparcha bhanee ..thaha bhayeko bhaye ma lekhdiana thiye...hernu na malai thaha chaina ni ta gazhal kasto huncha..tara poem chai ali ali thaha cha soo surendra le lekheko kura malai man paryo tyahi bhayera maile comment gareko.... hajur lai gazal ko barema thaha cha hola. malai thaha bhayena ..hajur le bhaneko sahi ho......we should accpet mistake but its not that big mistake ni hoina ra???gazal ta bhaneko ta ....after all gazal ra poem sahityakar ko rachana na ho.....
anyway shirish ji ..whatever wether its gazal or poem its good ni ??thats all i just wanted to say its good.....i didn't mean to say u are wrong......

Nepe guru,

You have inflamed me in the past for not being with the rules of gazal.

त्यसो त अपरम्परागत तर गजल सदृश रचनाहरुलाई स्वतन्त्र गजल (free style ghazal) को रुपमा सम्मान गर्नुपर्छ भन्ने मेरो व्यक्तिहत मान्यता छ ।

can you please illustrate me some e.g. with the free style ghazals so that I wont have to go through that painful and time consuming behers? You are the ones who advocates that all the ghazals should be singable and those which cant be singable will not be heard.

Dadagiri,

1.Chhanda milayera lekhena bhane KAVITA nai bhanna mildaina bhanya jasto kura nagarum...
"Paudi khelna sakne bhayepachhi matra paudi khel!"


I understand what you mean.

If you are writing a KAVITA, then simply call it a kavita...I mean, dont catagorize

dont call it JPT lekheko lai Jhayahure chanda ma lekheko, ya anuprayas chanda ma lekheko...

Why would some one complicate things by catagorizing or classiying WRONGLY?

When you are learning to swim, if some one correctly instructs you how to swim, whont your learning curve be more sharp?

RUINA
"thaha nai bhayeena maile tyati bhanda hajur maathi yati dherai kura aiparcha bhanee .."

I was as ignorant as you or surendras about the rules of ghazal and after being grilled by Nepe, I am beginning to understand, yet not fully. I beleive, the learning process never ends. Actually what you said what a good point so that Paradesh.com's attention could be drawn for the correctly catagorizing.
Afu ta jhan sojo manle niyam milena bhanya ta manche haru le barbad paryo...

BTW here is the definition of ghazal

Poetic form that originated in the Middle East and is composed of a series of independent couplets called shers that have a common meter and rhyme scheme. The rhyme scheme is aa, ba, ca, da and the last word is of the second line is usually repeated to make the rhyme.
www.cranberrydesigns.com/poetry/glossary.htm


Galti bho hazur.....hazur haru le bhaneko kura chahi barai ana sahi ! FERI malile ta sapai kura naramro china pani ta bhanya thiyena..khani meter, beher matra way off cha bhanya ho.

After hearing all this, I have to admit, Surendars ji ko GHAZAL ekdamai khatara cha...! For I can't argue anymore. Niyem siyem bhandma jawos.

Bida paun...

शिरिष जी,
अब मनमा ला कुरा भन्नै पर्यो।
मनको कुरा भन्दाखेरि सप्पै उल्टोपाल्टो पारेर बुझ्न पनि भएन नि।

ल, कुरा अगाडि बढाउने हो भने त मेरो पनि प्रस्न छ।

जान्या साथि कसैले सिकाइदए आभारी हुने थिएँ:
१। यो गजलमा शिर्षक राख्न नपर्ने कारण के होला कुन्नि? शिर्षक राख्नै नहुने होला कि, कसो होला?

Dadagiri,

Gazhal don't need "Shirshak", but I have seen lots with titles. I don't think it will harm though.

BTW I have tried to transform the poem by Surendra into gazal format without altering his core feeling. I know rewriting that can make it even more expressive.

Check the beher (the meter), kafia and radif.

I don't know why I did that. maf paun!

Dadagiri,

I did a search on google why ghazal's dont need title. So if a poem has a title, it rather becomes a Nazm (song) than a Ghazal. So in ghazal there is no binding of the individual shers (each sher is indipendent) hence the central theme of title becomes obsolete.

so bro, a kavita is a kavita and chanda ma lekheko kavita is chandama kekheko kavita...there is a difference. tasai risayera dadagiri chalaune!

Hope this is clear. Hey thanks for asking that question that led me to know the difference between nazm and ghazal.

" The ghazal prides itself, among other things, on the detachability and completeness of its individual verses, which retain their sense and effectiveness even when divorced from their context in the poem. The verses are not bound by the law of unity and consistency. The poet of the ghazal is at liberty to talk about love in the first verse, death in the second, envy in the third, mysticism in the fourth, and so on. Such is not the case with the nazm which owes its strength and identity to the logical evolution of thought and theme. A nazm must have a controlling thought or idea, discussed, developed and concluded, with due regard to the laws of poetic composition. That's why a nazm, as against the ghazal, always carries a title summing up its central theme. The various units of the nazm, besides subserving the need of the central thought, must be mutually interlinked, so as to contribute to the forward movement of narration which should culminate in an aesthetically satisfying close. And this reminds us of the etymological meaning of nazm, an Arabic term implying a stringing together of pearls, or an artistic ordering of words and lines.

http://www.msci.memphis.edu/~ramamurt/nazm.html

शिरिष,

गजलको बारेमा यसबारे अनभिज्ञ मित्रहरुलाई जानकारी गराउने काम प्रशंसनिय छ । जारी राखनुस् ।

मैले freestyle ghazal लाई सम्मान गर्नुपर्छ भनेको out of politeness हो । गम्भिर गजलकारले सक्कली गजल लेख्न वा लेख्न सिक्न पछि पर्दैन भन्ने चाहीं लाग्छ मलाई ।

Oops! I didn't realize my feelings would get such an attention. Thanks to all Gurl_interrupted,shirish,ruina,harkedai,nepe,dada_giri for stoping by to add few lines and some valuable suggestions, I value them all.
first of, let me clarify this; Paradesh.com didn't published this piece as gajal, coz they dont have such category as gajal, rather they have poem/gajal section after all gajals are poems.of some sort.
The idea of posting this piece a gajal was my, not finding a write word, at my own peril.
And not to elude oneone or ruin the beauty of gajal for that matter. My knowledge about gajal's constituents is vague to be exact, so I agree that beher was missing. To tell you the truth, this was by far my first work to be published in public though I had written about a dozen or so. As I'm only learning the rope of poetry and can't even term myself a wannabe hence my misinterpretation should be ignored and accept as a poem only.
But, one thing we should keep in mind gajal is a आयातित उर्दु संस्कृति and it is ever changing to accommodate new trends and new language scenarios. I would like you guys to consider followings in that regard.

EXCEPTIONS AND IMPORTANT POINTS TO NOTE
1. Ghazal is just a form. It is independent of any language. eg. in Marathi also, there can be (and there are) good Ghazals.
2. Some Ghazal's do NOT have any 'Radif'. Rarely. Such Ghazal's are called "gair-muraddaf" Ghazal.
3. Although, every Sher, should be an independent poem in itself, it is possible, that all the Sher's are on the same theme. What famous example can be other than "chupke chupke raat din aasun bahaanaa yaad hai".
4. In modern Urdu poetry, there are lots of Ghazal's which do NOT follow the restriction of same 'Beher' on both the lines of Sher. But even in these Ghazal's, 'Kaafiyaa' and 'Radif' are present.
5. The restriction of 'Maqta' is really very loose. Many many Ghazal's do NOT have any 'Maqta'. Sometimes the name of the Shayar comes unnaturally in the last Sher of the Ghazal

Once again, thanks a lot shishir for giving my work a gajalana touch.I will certainly try not to misuse the gajal, it's rules and charm to my best knowledge. Shishir you seemed very good at poetry , why dont you join the paradesh forum;
www.paradesh.com/forum

Regards,
Surendra R. Shrestha

This is not gajal hai!
नसम्झनु अब मलाई हृदयमा प्रीत छैन
तिम्रो लागि लेख्नु पर्ने बाँकी कुनै गीत छैन!
नबोल्नु सफाइमा तिमिलाई म चिनेको छु
संगै बाँच्ने संगै मर्ने दुनियाको रीत छैन!
तिमी हाँसि-खुसि बाँच्नु म आँसुमा डुबे पनि
युद्ध हाम्रो चल्ने नै छ तर हार-जीत छैन!
देख्यो?सुरेन?ले चोखो माया भोगीसक्यो चोटहरू
झूठो माया लगाएर कसैको नि हीत छैन!!
- सुरेन्द्र आर. श्रेष्ठ

This is just a poem.
नसम्झनु अब मलाई हृदयमा प्रीत छैन
तिम्रो लागि लेख्नु पर्ने बाँकी कुनै गीत छैन!
नबोल्नु सफाइमा तिमिलाई म चिनेको छु
संगै बाँच्ने संगै मर्ने दुनियाको रीत छैन!
तिमी हाँसि-खुसि बाँच्नु म आँसुमा डुबे पनि
युद्ध हाम्रो चल्ने नै छ तर हार-जीत छैन!
देख्यो?सुरेन?ले चोखो माया भोगीसक्यो चोटहरू
झूठो माया लगाएर कसैको नि हीत छैन!!
- सुरेन्द्र आर. श्रेष्ठ