This Gazal is an attempt to explain my failed, tragic, unfortunate, heartbreaking experience while my break up with my dear one........It tries to explain the sequence of my expetations and experiences

बाचाकसम तोडी तिमिले दुस्मनसग नाता जोड्यौ
कमजोर मेरो मायालु मन हजार टुक्रा पारी तोड्यौ

बिस्वास थीयो है तिमिप्रती मात्र तिम्रो सहाराको
तिमीले चाहि अबिस्वास र बिस्वासघातको छाप छोड्यौ

म धाए तिम्रो निम्ती बसन्तको बहार बोकी
बसन्तझै प्यारो मनमा सिसिरको खेति गोड्यौ


अब केहि छैन बाकी सम्झना छ केवल तिम्रो
मेरो सुखद् जीवनलाई मरुभुमीतिर मोड्यौ

थाहा थीएन माया प्रेम धोका भन्ने चीज कस्तो
आज सबै बुझे मैले जब तिमीले साईनो तोड्यौ

वाचाकसम तोडी तिमिले दुस्मनसग नाता जोड्यौ
कमजोर मेरो मायालु मन हजार टुक्रा पारी तोड्यौ

1whocandie4u जी,

तपाईको ईमेल पाएर म अति हर्षित भएँ । गजलको एक अभ्यासी र प्रेमीको नाताले गजलप्रति तपाईको लगाव देखेर म त्यत्तिकै हर्षित छु ।

गजलको मुख्य ढाँचालाई तपाईले बुझ्नु भएको देखिन्छ । त्यसैले विस्तृत व्याख्या नगरी अहिलेलाई गजलका मुख्य अंगहरु तल सचित्र देखाएको छु ।

तपाईको थप जिज्ञासा, प्रश्नहरु र अनुभवहरुको प्रतिक्षामा छु ।

Hi Mr. Nepe, I am extremely happy that u posted this gazal in the forum to teach how to write.thank u for that , I had read ur one poem below ur photo and some gazal in the thread also but the thread was too long and i did not send any comments............In fact, i have to tell u that ur gazals are really very good and i liked that.....U might be laughing now................I have never learnt how to write poem and gazal nor i am student of that .just i am trying is after reading other peoples gazal i hope that i can now, acquire some skills which help me to write a better one.can u give some ideas with examples in detail?
I am waiting for ur reply................

Its nice to see one can die for you getting mellowed and humble.

So when people told you that you did not write in the form of ghazal in other thread, you thought they were discouraging you and thrashing you !!!

No, I did not think that...............i knew that they will wncourage me and tell where i have committed wrongs.that means I wanted to know where particularly my attempt went wrong and where i did right.After seeing this example, i will know how i should write .or more specifically, i was requesting u people around to comment where there is not right...........................I hope that sirish is also diggaz in this field.come on man, share ur knowledge................
It is my a try to change this talking venue to a little learning venue too.At least, people like me, who is interested can learn if knowledge is shared here.Like nepe did a commendable job..............
I think i had requested sirish also in pvt. message to start some inputs on Gazal.........haina ra????????????

1whocandie4u,

म तपाईलाई गजल-लेखनको प्राविधिक पक्ष मात्र सिकाउन सक्छु, गजलमा कस्तो भाव कसरी राख्ने जस्ता कुरा सिकाउन त कठीन मात्र होईन असम्भव छ । गजल लेख्न सिकाउने भन्ने कुरा त कसैलाई प्रेम गर्न सिकाउने भन्ने जस्तै असम्भव कुरा हो । कसैले तपाईलाई 'ल मलाई प्रेम गर्न सिकाईदे त 1whocandie4u' भनेर भन्यो भने तपाई के भन्नु हुन्छ ?

तर पनि तपाईले कुनै specific question सोध्नुभयो भने अर्थोक कुरा नसके पनि त्यस particular कुरामा मेरो आफ्नो अनुभव र विचार पोख्न सक्छु होला । त्यसैले specific question सोध्नुभयो भने त्यसबाट वार्तालाप अघि बढाउन सजिलो होला ।

My specific question to u is
1. I read one gazal by u.(i think that was by u, if not, that was from sirish)...........each two lines gave different mesning...........like about eagle, after that sth and at last about sunami.................but i wrote gazal(it may not be gazal but let's assume).only about love and bichhod and dukha and dard............., then, can't we express the dard and feelings of love and tragedy in eachlines? Is it necessary that every line should contain different mening?

2. Is it necessary and feasible to make gazal in a staraight jacket formula?sometimes there may not be proper words in nepali?How do u fill the vaccum?

1. can't we express the dard and feelings of love and tragedy in eachlines? Is it necessary that every line should contain different mening?

There is no rule regarding this. It's OPTIONAL. Traditionally, ghazal has been polythematic. However, these days more and more monothematic ghazals are appearing these days. Even when it is polythematic, one can feel some kind of coherence/unity among the shers by their tone/mood/style etc. In any case, as I said there is no rule to follow on this.

When you write a mono-thematic (on a single theme like you did above) ghazal, care should be taken to keep shers from becoming REDUNDANT. If two shers are saying exactly the same thing, you better present only one of them and discard the other. Redundant shers makes a poor ghazal. New sher necessarily should say something new, something different. It does not have to be completely different. But it should not be REDUNDANT either. How to keep that balance is upto you.

2. Is it necessary and feasible to make gazal in a staraight jacket formula?sometimes there may not be proper words in nepali?How do u fill the vaccum?

If you don't have proper words, you don't have ghazal. That's the weakness of ghazal genre of poetry. So you should be very careful to choose काफिया and रदिफ in your मत्ला. I have talked about this in some detail in one of Shirish' threads. It might be helpful.

- http://www.sajha.com/sajha/html/openthread.cfm?forum=2&ThreadID=22040&show=all