I walk through the door of the restaurant, and am sucked into the excited buzz of a hollywood party in full swing.Despite the fact that am wearing my best shirt, nobody looks at me. The girls don't swoon. The paparazzi don't aim their lenses towards me. Nobody rushes foward to greet me. Infact, nobody cares that am there. Don't these people know who I am?
Welcome to the world of egomanic.Having the ego like mine is like living with the dictator of a small country. His needs are merciless and insatiable. I have nothing to be egomaniacal about, but that doesn't stop him. According to my ego, i should be nominated for a President Medal of freedom, an academy award, and people's sexiest man all alive- all by next friday.
Who is this tiny dictator who lives inside me and demands attention beyond his due? what does he really wants? Is there anyway to satisfy his desperate clamoring? After more than 26 years living with my larger than llife ego, I decided it was time to find out. I arranged an interview.
It wasn't easy. It took numerous calls, faxes, and emails before his press agent called to grant me a conditional interview. He faxed a list of rules i would have to follow. Among the most challanging : i would have 12 minutes to interview my ego. There would be no pictures. I was not to look my ego directly in the eye. I was to address my ego as "sir", "your majesty" or "generalissimo". For the purpose of the interview, I could also refer him as "Senor Pepe". Additionally i was not allowed to wear the colour red. Senor Pepe evidently doesn't like red.
It was rainy thursday after noon when i arrived to my ego's palace. A retainer took me to a throne room where a fifty-foot tall gold chair sat empty on a dias. I was offered a choice of cappuccino or Boba tea. Not wanting to appear ungreatful, i took the cappuccino. After a short waiting period, there was a blast of ceremonial trumpets. twenty-five dancing girls in short skirts and thigh boots paraded into the room. Eighty musket fired. A thousand white doves flew into the air. The clouds parted, and my ego stored in.

As is often the case with celebrities, my ego looked a lot smaller in person. i judged him to be around 3' 6" in platform shoes. he looked like a cross between Gyanendra Bir Bikram Shah Dev and Tulsi Giri. He wore a tiny military tunic buttoned all the way to his chin. As he walked foward, i noticed a distant bulge in his trousers. Despite my ego's small stature, he was evidently hung like a horse.

My ego stepped on a brass plate in the floor,and, to the accompainment of Wagner's "Ride of Valkyries", he was lifted to his throne on an elevated platform. After settling into a purple velvet cushions, my ego looked down at me with a wry smile on his face. i took out my notebook, and we began.
M: It's nice to finally meet you, Senor Pepe.
SP:Everyone tells me that. But thank you
M: Your background is shrouded in mystery. Can you share a little about your past?
SP: I was decleard a genius at birth. I was graduated from Oxford when i was 9. I owned my first company at the age of 12. i retired at 15 with a net worth in the range of 6 billion.
M: is that when you became ego?
SP: Shortly after that. When you conquer the world at such a young age, what can you do for an encore? Rather than try and top myself. I made a decision to dedicate my life to help others.
M: was Many your first client?
SP:Actually no, i was Trump's ego for a short time in the late 70's. it was my idea that he refer himself as "The Donald"
M: but you didn't stay with Trump?
SP:It didn't work out creative differences. i start with Many about '79'
M: What's it been like to work with Many?
SP: Frustrating, to say the least
M: we'll go back to that in a moment, First i would like to know more about you. Whom do u admire?
SP:Myself in the mirror every morning
M: Are you married?
SP: All women wants me but no one can have me
M: Forgive me but that sounds like classic fear of commitment
SP:Far from it. I love the ladies too much to settle with just one. Beside it would be unfair to them. To quote fifty cent, " I've got the magic stick."
M:what's the secret of your success?
SP:If you want to know that you'll have to buy my book
M:I didn't know you wrote a book.
SP: i haven't yet. But when i do, it will be the best seller. And you can tell people you met me.
M: you seems to be very confident. Are you afraid of anything?
SP:Jello.
M:Jello?
SP: Strawberry Jello. it jiggles it's slimy. i find it unnatural and frightening. even more than gefilte fish.
M:If you could have lunch with any celebrity living or dead, who would it be?
SP:Me
M:Not including yourself
SP: Historaical figure. I'd have to say Sophia Loren. She had a great rack. Today i'd probably pick Lindsay Lohan. Is she eighteen yet?
M: Back to your work with Many. If you could change one thing about Many, what would it be?
SP:His personality. he's too passive. He's always worried about what other people thinks about him. it's quite sad. i tell him to go out into the world and claim what's his,but he usually stays in bed and masturbates.
M:What do you do to motivate him?
SP: I say, " Hey piece of Crap,get off your fat ass and do something." When that doesn't work i say "Coward if u had half a dick you wouldn't be in this situation."
M: Are you hopeful about Many's future?
SP:At this point I'd say it's a tossup. If he takes my advise there's no stopping us. If he continues to struggle with his conscience, he'll be dead of heart attack before he's sixty
M:What's your advise to people who wants to live a happier life?
SP:I would suggest you to study Many's LIfe and do the opposite
M: Finally I'd like to know about your spiritual life. do you believe in god?
SP:Believe in him? we had coffee last tuesday. he looks great., by the way dropped a few pounds. i think he's on South beach. he said to tell you "hello"
M:Thank you Ego
SP: Call me Generalissimo