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 Abstact Chintan - Fury
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Posted on 02-21-06 12:00 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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so i arrive at home and by chance i meet her online. and i lay down the plans... the difficulty of communicating to her the seriousness of my problems! i have to say i tried my best. she must have thought that my plans, my solutions were quite outlandish and plainly out of nowhere... i know whatever i say is not going to mean much. i told her i get discouraged talking to my folks because whatever i say is not going to make a goddamn change in their ways. those ways are set. even she, poor thing who does not know what anguish i can brew with my thoughts, seemed distant, mostly because of uncomprehension than rejection, and even unappreciative of the gravity of the problems that i face. "we will manage," she said. we-will-manage is a small bandage to assuage my urgent need of a coherent, economical and a manageable plan. i think my passive anger must have triggered and directed to her response, which was by proxy to my own financial limitations. i really became angry... but i do not know how to show anger and she probably left thinking that things are going to be just fine with us. 'we will manage!' how i feel cornered by that - not knowing concretely how is it that we will manage to manage... when angered my thoughts dart in unexpected targets, such that the rationalizations, the questions, the arguments, the counterarguments start to form a web of thoughts so complex that i lose sight of the actual problem. only this cage of jibberish arguments remains, which then takes place of sane thoughts. i get succumbed to throwing vain punches in the dark, dashing through random schemes, belting out claims against my culture and tradition, duty and morality, against resources and limitations that really have no bearing on reality. the real problem is obscured behind these vicious, apathetic and ultimately harmful ideations. i am left seething in anger against my foes, who turn out to be everyone around me, everyone who appear to be collectively bent on caging my freedom, forming an immense wall of bodies to deter me from living my life the way i want to. but i cannot communicate that to her or to anyone else because i have no rational, logical thoughts left. my thoughts are now a jumble of unfocused anger, sprayed without mercy or design to everyone, spurious to others and especially lethal to myself. also i got my wisdom tooth taken out last week. they had to put three stitches on the severed gums; i can now feel the loop of the string with the tip of my tongue. if i try to wiggle the sting it hurts like i was punching holes on my gums with rusty wires... i have been doing that just to let myself know that i still can feel... the constant pain in the last few days has mirrored my mood. cornered, i cannot find peace. and to top it all off, andy-fkin-larsen calls and leaves threatening messages warning me to honor the payment arrangement that we agreed on last month. i was going to until he called. as soon as i heard his threat on the answering machince i passively tried to balk on every freaking arrangement of my patheric life. just to piss him and everyone else off. it is not personal, i would like to think, but guess what? it is now! in my plastic cage my fury has become amazingly malleable yet so forceful that it securely holds me hostage.
 
Posted on 02-21-06 1:44 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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mindgames bro..been a while..since we saw ur presence here..kaha beypata?busy?in this busy world?hehe

anyways just wanted to say...it was worth all the 'effort' (actually worth more..but would i ever let that be known?;oP hehe)to click and go to dictionary.com ;oP hehe

yo chinta bhanney chiz ke ho!:oS katti aucha bhaney!:@ ;oP hehe (am takn that "chintan' word u typed for a nepali word i know..i think i know :o| nabha ta mero nepali pani ke bhanney :oS..)


cheers for sharing :oD...
 
Posted on 02-21-06 6:55 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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nice way to express feelings.
 
Posted on 02-21-06 11:52 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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i was furious at myself for misspelling abstract. i would not let go. calm the f down. it was a silly typo. it is all right. but no sir. that would not work. bumming ciggies from strangers who happen to be my coworkers i agonized over abstact. like ass tack. absolutely tragic! sic pax abs. absolution. abstacky! the venom of the blue smoke. the abolute wretched venom of a the glorious typo. ryan was the one who bummed me one of his parliament lights. and the blue bic too. is bic a ballpoint pen or a lighter? so the next time i went to ryan with a quarter. "i thought you did not smoke?" and i was doing so well. for the last three months and ten days. smokefree. no bluish tinge infront of me. but then this. i did not want to take the quarter. the next time i went without a quarter and promised him that i will buy him a fresh pack of Parliaments, someday. no need, buddy. well then i will light the freaking thing up. i will light up these tacky -abstacky - chairs, these fine tables, and the paper that we waste like the rainforest was endless. so what was the agony about? where has fury hidden? all behind the haze of one evening when the world came to a standstill. REPINE thou Swine! thou vile creature of the misfortunate lot! and you smoke like a chimney too... i wont kiss you if you smoke. fine, then dont. i am the kiss of death anyway. so where is the abs, the ass, how will i ever find the tact to savor the uneasy arrangements? i ask too many questions, frankly i know what ails me. i really do. i need no shrinks in their shrouds of three-piece suits, i fu*king know what is it that ails me. I ASK too many goddamn question. where is the time, the energy, the logistics of trying to analyze each of my questions. the list itself reads like a freaking mahabharat. endless verses of beautifully crafted, logically sound and literally ornate questions of doom. the legions of queries about why i misspelled a simple word. or why i mis-smoked myself out of a of smokefree reign. but that is beating the bushes. those are not the important questions. i will tell you what ails me - i dont ask, better yet, i refuse to ask, i will absolutely never ask the simplest of question of them all. what ails me?
 
Posted on 02-21-06 11:58 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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welkomen back! yea dude spit it out :)
where are the poems though ?
keep comin!
 
Posted on 02-22-06 12:07 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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mindGames, worth reading it! Thoughts have been craftily expressed. A different writing style.

Hope to hear more in the coming days!
** Seriously need a break from all those topics regarding politics and sex. Need something worth reading it.

Thanks mindGames :)
 
Posted on 02-27-06 12:03 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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the dry air
asphyxiated goats huddled
under the bare light bulb

rehashing their day

the dry grass

but it looked like the rain would come soon
while they drowsed in the moist meadows

the shepherd would sit under the oak tree
whistling a laconic tune. he used to have a flute

but it was used as firewood;
Small fire crackled in an unheard of melodic sweep
the goats had dropped collective tears

when the music reached them in the late night
all night long the one-eyed mutt
had howled at the dark sky

until it rained the dead music
cajoled the goats to bemoan their loss

with shepherds it is so their
self worth is measured by the flesh they bear

indigination wills art to die

goats fixated on sad tunes
are like records that skip

their eyes drooping ears upturned tails unwagging
on their stick legs they wait
for angels or flute carrying pipers
to awaken them from the land of kodak-moment sorrows
where they are stranded

one hopes to slap some sense into them

one tries until their desolation
pervading like gasoline poured on tarred roads

engulfs everything in sight. any well meaning fellow

would do what the kindly shepherd did -

he severed their catatonic necks
not for hot blood - it had coalesced
as if in mid-flow the sadness had
suddenly clotted the red thick dark blood -
but to compliment the memories of goats
that once were kicking and alive...

actually the flute was never burned

it was stolen by the fair-minded priest

who saw the impending calamity in a grain of rice

and well-meaning in his prosaic sincerity

he dared to alter the future that was already fated

even by silent eyes, do not question me
what befell the curmudgeon holy man

were it that he was still breathing
he would be as dead as the immobile goats

but the story does not end
with a bunch of stationary beings,
bedazzled by augury into still-life portraits

of their earlier happy selves

the dog stopped in mid-howl
the swallows and the phesants
covered the azure sky

brilliantly stuck in flight

as if perched in motion
on the branches of solidifed yet invisible air

which itself had died

suffocated for lack of breathing room

if only the shepherd had the nerve to
disturb the errie quietude

he sang soundless songs
in a wordless language

that the goats - twice their number,
each one being divided into heads and bodies -

did not respond to

the phesants did not dance
and the dog acted as if it could care less

about any stinking unuttered song
and as such it kept on howling silently

at the sky which had dimmed its stars
and satisfied, gone to an interminable sleep.


mG. 2/26/06
 
Posted on 02-27-06 9:34 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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"Abstract Chintan: Pyaaj" by Shankar Laamichaney ????
 


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