A 90 year old man went to his doctor for his 3 monthly check up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 90 year old said…”Things are fine, great, i have never felt better. I now have a 20yold bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?”

The doctor said, ” I have an older friend, much like yourself, who is a keen hunter. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a hurry and picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared the lake he came across a very large male beaver. He then realised he’d left his gun at home but out of habit, he raised his cane, aimed at the beaver as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang bang’.

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think about that?”

The 90 year old said, “If you ask me , i’d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver”,

the doctor replied….”My point exactly!!”.

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.

2.. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing.

10..Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12..God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13..The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14..Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15..Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16..Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!

17..Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18..Procrastinate Now!

19..I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20..A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21..A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22..Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26..Ham and eggs. A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27..The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

28..The original point and click inter face was a Smith & Wesson.

29..I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.

30. I did not lose my MIND, I sold it on eBay!!!!

Good one.

A young gentleman was fond of large breast;

unfortunately he ended up with regular size.

His friends suggested him to get glass with Plus.

It worked very well and was happy about it.

One day he was very sad. When friends asked

“what’s the matter with you now?”

He murmured that the mountains are great but not the gorge.