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 Thoughts of a feeble mind.
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Posted on 01-03-08 11:40 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Disclaimer: This is a fictional story and I have tried to go within someone and think how one would feel after going through a traumatic experience. If it resembles any factual characters, I feel deeply for that character!

I sit alone and wonder, and I wonder a lot about you and the things you did to me. Am I wrong to blame you for what you did? Am I wrong because my blood boils with hatred at the sight or smell of you? I also wonder if you took my innocence out of me and I also wonder if you have changed the view of the world for me. Would I be the same had you not changed my life when I did not even know what life really stood for? Would I be more trusting of people out in the world? I also wonder if I would think better of all the men in the world if I had never worshipped you, or devoted my life to please you. And then I slip back to the reverie of 13 years ago when I was a mere child of ten, not knowing what my devotion to you would do to me. Was I wrong to think that you were someone I could look up to?

Life was very different for me when I was ten years old. Everyone was wonderful except me! I looked around at everyone and they all had their talents, their confidence and their good looks. I looked at myself in the mirror and I saw a plain, ugly, overweight girl who was good at nothing. I did not understand why people called me cute and adorable. I would blame god for making my face so plain. When everyone would compliment my mother for being a rare beauty, I was just a plain girl lacking something. And then I saw you and your confident ways. I could not help but admire your confidence, and the air you carried around you. Even my elder siblings could not ignore you, and who was I to be any different. You were the cool teenage cousin I had and I wanted to be your favorite so that everyone would think I was cool too. It did not matter that you were seven years older than I was, that was a plus point to begin with!

And that was when my devotion to you began, I was a mere girl of ten and you a man-boy of seventeen! I wished that I could become your favorite cousin so that others would not ridicule me. We were in a party and I saw you sitting in a room all by yourself, crying and looking miserable. My heart went out to you as you looked so sad and I asked you what was wrong. You looked at me with eyes filled with sorrow and told me that your girlfriend had left you for another guy and this was the first time you had cried in years. You showed me all the wounds you inflicted on yourself and I felt something stir inside me. I hated to see my beloved cousin in pain and I sat with you the whole evening, wide-eyed, with my ears devoted to you and your story of pain and betrayal. I felt a special connection with you and I am sure you felt it too because we became inseparable from that day on.

I remember how you told me to come to the balcony with you one evening in a get together. You said that you were hot and we could go upstairs and look at the stars. As always I agreed to what you asked for, and my devotion to you still amazes me. The whole family was amazed to see how well we got along even though we had a big age gap amongst us. You kissed my cheek and hugged me. Everyone seemed to think that my cheeks were like round juicy apples and my big brown eyes were very cute. At the age of ten, everyone but I thought that I was a very cute and pretty kid. What they saw in me I don’t know. I hated how I was all chubby, but like everyone else you told me that you thought I was a cute little kid. And like everyone else you hugged and kissed me a lot, but something different happened that day. You asked me if you could bite my lips and I was amazed at the question. No one had ever asked me to do that and I did not know if I should say yes or no as I had never seen anyone bite other’s lips. I don’t know if you took my puzzlement as an affirmative answer but you went right along and did what you had said you would do, and you went about doing it for a while. All that time my mind was racing and though you hurt me I did not know what to say. You told me to not tell anyone and that it was a secret between us, and I agreed.

You were doing things to me every time we met. I wanted to run away from you but I did not want to disappoint you. The first time your hand went to my breast, I was surprised. I thought you did not realize where your hands were so I did not say anything. They had just started developing and it hurt when you tried to fondle them but the insecurity in me did not let me tell you that. When you did it again and again, I was aggravated as I did not know why you were doing it. I had never seen anyone do anything like that before, and it hurt me a great deal. I started wearing turtle necks anytime I knew you were coming over. Though I did not know what you were doing to me, I knew that I did not feel comfortable and I did not want you putting your hands in my T-shirt.

I remember the day when I was trying to run away from you and you asked me if it felt wonderful when you did things to me. I looked at you and said it didn’t and you gave me a look that sent chills through my body and asked me again, I told you it did feel good with tears in my eyes. I tried to stop you from taking your hands under my top many times but you were stronger than I was. Though I was eleven and a little stronger, you were eighteen and much stronger than I was. Slowly you started taking me to empty rooms and doing these things and I still had no idea what you were doing. All I remember is wishing that someone came to the room, or that my mom would come looking for me. I also remember how you once said that you wanted to rip out all my clothes and I started shivering. I was weak and I was feeble, I did not possess the strength to tell you to stop doing what you were doing to me.

I have lost count of how many times you took me to a secluded place or how many times you forced yourself upon me when I tried to resist you. I have forgotten how many years this went for. I do remember how it hurt more when I tried to run away and you would threaten me that it could hurt more. I am thankful in a sick way that you at least did not take my virginity away from me. Everything else is hazy and out of focus. I really don’t remember when it stopped but I know I was thankful when it did. I remember just saying hi to you when we met at times and how we never talked about what happened. Life just went on and for years I tried to forget what had happened. When I finally found out what you had done with me, I just tried to ignore it. When you got married I prayed to god that your wife would not find out what a sick bastard you were and that you were reformed for her sake.

Today I am still amazed at how I still loathe you, and wish that everyone knew you for what you really are. Is it my fault that I never told anyone? Is it my fault that I did not tell you to stop when I did not even know what you were doing to me? Is it my fault that I did not want to disappoint you and that I was so insecure and feeble at my pre-teenage years? I also wonder many times if it is because of you that I cannot trust any men anymore. I step into my reverie and I dream of letting everyone know what a sick person you are, and how everyone will make you feel ashamed of yourself. I dream of facing the monsters you have put in my closet and then I wake up and look into the eyes of your children and the humiliation this would bring them, and I know I can’t do it. All I can do is wish that no one else has been you victim in the past or is your victim at present. But I can’t help but sit and wonder, and wonder if I would be a different person had you not done those things to me. I wonder if I would be a more secure, trusting person. And I know I will not get an answer because no one can go to the past and change it. I shall never know how I would be if it were not for you and all I can do about it is sit and wonder.


 
Posted on 01-03-08 1:29 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Bahurani,
It is so simple yet sweet. You've expressed it beautifully. Really loved it.

 
Posted on 01-03-08 3:02 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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hmmmm...
i read this article, not a long while back, about child abuse in india. it sent chill in my spine and so did this read. i am pretty sure they can relate this piece with their own real stories.

PS chubby cheeks, brown eyes hmmm..:P

 


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