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 personal statement - pls advice
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Posted on 08-29-08 12:29 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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This is a friends personal statement, please suggest:

While growing up, the art of healing intrigued me. I would witness dire and harsh conditions of people who fell ill and witch doctors perform their rituals to cure them. Many people in my town, mostly children, died prematurely from stomach-aches and fever. Most causes of illness were due to dismal and unhygienic living conditions, poor sanitation and shortage of vaccinations, poverty and poor health system in Nepal.

Having personally witnessed such adversities, I think I knew what I wanted to do with my life at an early age. I wanted to take up a career in the health related field. There were many options. I found pharmacy to be the most compelling option. The areas that pharmacists can be engaged in attracted me to consider this profession which I thought was limited to drug stores. I learnt that there is a growing need for pharmacists and their important role for patient care. My involvement in this area will help me grow as an individual because of my desire to be associated in the wellbeing of patients whom I have seen suffer. I am overwhelmed that pharmacy is going to be my focus.

In the spring of 2001, I arrived in the United States. I had enrolled at Oakwood University but later transferred to Novo College where I was awarded the Lurther T. Gram Scholarship. I completed my Associate Degree in Med-tech and then transferred to Delaware State University to complete my Bachelor’s degree in Biology.

I was blessed to have received full scholarships to complete my education which allowed me to excel academically. I was engaged in activities that helped me explore the possibilities in my line of work. As a student, I took opportunities to work in the biotech and microbiology lab where I drew immense pleasure from practical experiences. I became familiarized with various methods, techniques and equipments of science. During that time, working as a research associate in molecular biology lab made me feel that I am positioned here to be in a better place tomorrow and took passion in performing well.

I worked independently and learned some analytical skills which helped me intern for the Henry Luwes Fellowship Program at Johns Hopkins University, School of Public Health during the summer of 2006. As an intern, I worked in a project to find the marker of oxidative stress in women of third world countries including Nepal. During this time, I also networked with highly respected professionals in the industry. With sound advice from them as well as my professors, I could not have been wrong about my decision to pursue a degree in PharmD.

Since January of 2008, I have been working at Dama
 Clinical Pharmacological Research Unit. The company conducts clinical trials for Phase I and Phase II studies for pharmaceutical and biotechnology companies. Working at Dama has given me a better perspective of various stages involved in manufacturing and testing of various medical drugs before it is commercially available. Clinical trials of drugs, the time lines, safety procedures, tolerability and efficacy are some of the factors that I am directly involved with. I have first hand experience in study designs, clinical development and planning. I perform daily procedures which allow me to deal with participants or subjects on a daily basis.

We work extensively in teams and perform duties diligently without room for error in which I find immense satisfaction because I try to do my best. The trainings obtained here and the exposure to new medical devices has made me competitive and compliant to perform my duties to the best of my ability following protocols and procedures. Since working in research, I am leaned towards the possibility of working for companies and government bodies that administer drug related issues.

My work experience and academic knowledge will make learning interesting and it will not be long before I complete my degree and have a better understanding of where I belong. I anxiously wait for the special day to reflect on my past and look forward to the future where I can serve humanity and excel in my career. I do not know what the future holds in store for me, but I know that I have the drive, the capacity and the will to do well. In the near future, I see myself advancing in my area of focus. I will not forget where I came from; and I will look for opportunities to help the underprivileged by this I now my purpose is been fulfilled.

 


 
Posted on 08-29-08 9:39 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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I already copied it...future ma malai kaam lagna sakcha..


 
Posted on 08-29-08 10:20 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Posted on 08-29-08 10:24 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Below is the Best college essay I've ever read to date.  Free-thinking and out-of-the box mentatlity is what top universities are looking for (I feel the whackier you are, the better your odds of getting into a program, especially the ivy MBA/Business programs)...Anyone and Everyone writes their typical essay portraying themselves with an undying zeal for getting to their college of choice but to find that oomph inside of you to write the below takes balls...And the risk IMO will pay off well. 

 

College Admissions Essay


What about me?  I am Blackistani.  I am a philosopher.  Confucius and Plato were my students.  I have the answers to life’s biggest questions like “How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?” and “What color was George Washington’s white horse?”  I took a trip to the moon and back and have rocked on the sun.  I have thrown a rock a mile in the air and caught it on the way down.  I hold a world record for combing four heads of hair at the same time.  I can don a tuxedo in one minute flat.  I shot the sheriff.  I took a study hall for an early bird class (and skipped every day!).

I am eight feet tall.  I weigh 400 pounds and I am a skinny bastard.  I climbed up the Empire State Building with King Kong and have breathed fire with the dragons of old.  I once fought alongside King Arthur and I am the stork who beat Robin Hood in an archery competition.  The Northside Booms are my brainchildren.

Because of my close encounter with Martians and my wrecking of their ship, they came back on Independence Day and destroyed the country.  I shot Tim the Wizard in the ass with Gandalf’s staff, which I stole from under his nose.  I scaled the Eiffel Tower and, from the top, beat Charles Lindbergh across the Atlantic ocean.  I have been back in time.

I have the Holy Grail.  As for that Frenchman, I cleaned his clock with a huge mud pie.  I also have the largest Pumpkin Chunkin machine in the United States(it once hurled a pumpkin from VA to HI).  I once wrecked a ship and then brought it back to the surface.  I know where Chesty Puller is.  I picked out the site for the Manhattan Project.  Einstein’s equation for energy is mine (Element 99 should be called Rickmanium).  I am “the man.”  I am also “yo daddy" and I let the dogs out.

The fourth man in the Blue Man Group (the fat green one) is me.  I invented the Mullet.  What a mistake!  I am also the founder of your college.  Chewing gum is my creation.  So is Bluegrass music.  During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet.  I also took the initiative in sending the three wise men to find this kid named Jesus.

I once dated an unborn fetus.  She dumped me because I was too posessive.  I am Mister Mom.  I beat up Darth Vadar in Dr. Evil’s lab with a wooden spoon, on the moon, at noon.  Mini Mee is my son.  Chewy is my brother.  I beat Captain Kirk at 3D chess or whatever that game is that I also invented.  My cousin is the Cat in the Hat.  I am Sam.  Sam I am.  And, to set the record straight, I LOVE green eggs and ham!

I am the best guitarist I can ever think of.  The world record for the loudest flatulation in history (74.133 dB) is mine.  I have proven that the Hokey Pokey is a fraud and that the Cha Cha Slide is what it’s all about.  It’s electric(boogey boogey...)!  Jerry Seinfeld steals all of my material (damned thief!).  Money DOES grow on trees, but I have yet to find these trees.  I was the twelfth man in Ocean’s Eleven.

I am the silver lining in the clouds and I have yet to be hit by an aircraft.  I lift tall buildings off the ground and walk under them.  I kick locomotives off the track.  I catch speeding bullets in my teeth and eat them(and spit them back).  And I freeze water with a single glance.  By doing so, I once helped some gentlemen walk from Asia to America.  My grin quite literally goes from ear to ear.  My way IS the highway.

I went hunting with Ahab for Moby Dick.  I eventually caught that blasted whale (with Ahab still attached).  I was the first to sail the ocean blue searing for the East Indies in 1491.  I invented the split, the straddle, and the groin injury.  I strangled the sock monster to death.  He came back.  I have yet to see him again, but I know he’s there(maybe hanging out with Seinfeld).

I’m a little teapot, short and stout.  I dared Oliver Twist to ask for more soup.  I fed Lady and the Tramp their plate of sketti...skapetti...pisketti...???  I finally learned how to spell spaghetti.  Maybe I can use this word in college.

But I have not yet been to college.

...This is still a work in progress. I think of something new every day...

 

 

 

Last edited: 29-Aug-08 10:26 AM

 
Posted on 08-29-08 10:25 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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कहाँ नीर  suggestion/advice चहिएको हो ?
 
Posted on 08-29-08 10:40 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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My comments in Red

 

This is a friends personal statement, please suggest:

While growing up (vague timeframe) (growing up where??), the art of healing (what is art of healing? keep art and science separate) intrigued me. I would witness dire and harsh conditions (what would make those conditions dire and harsh?) of people who fell ill and (flowflaw - I would witness ... and... implies you would witness something and THEN witch doctors did their part) witch doctors perform their rituals to cure them. Many people in my town, mostly children, died prematurely (how can someone die prematurely, especially after they have been born?? And all deaths are untimely.) from stomach-aches and fever. Most causes of illness were due (causes cannot be due to anything, only outcomes can be due to something) to dismal and unhygienic living conditions, poor sanitation and shortage of vaccinations, poverty and poor health (healthcare?) system (rearrange the list in socio-economic and technical order of some sort) in Nepal (maybe Nepal should be mentioned earlier on).

Having personally witnessed (who witnessed?) such (such.. which such?? only news reporters can get away with this sentence construct) adversities (you haven't identified any adversity, only adverse situations.), I think I knew (are you assuming or are you definite?) what I wanted to do with my life at an early age (did you know that at early age, or did you want to do that at early age?). I wanted to take up a career in the health (maybe healthcare?) related field. There were many options. I found pharmacy to be the most compelling option (join the two short sentence to give elegance). The areas (what areas? some qualifier desperately required) that pharmacists can be engaged (pharmacists can be engaged in back office, stocking, dispensing, YouTubing etc...)  in attracted me to consider this profession which I thought was limited to drug stores (you are in disagreement with yourself). I learnt (how and where did you learn?) that there is (learnt ... is ...? pick one and stick to it.) a growing need for pharmacists and their important role for patient care (the AND implies there is also a growing need for pharmacists' important role for patient care). My involvement in this area (which area) will (error in verb tense transition) help me grow (in what way? everyone is individual) as an individual (everyone is an individual) because of my desire (desire does not do anything, action does) to be associated (you could be a hospital janitor to be associated with this context) in the wellbeing (do you mean treatment??, even a well-wisher without a college degree can be associated in the wellbeing) of patients (patients are in hospital, and 95% of population are NOT in hospital, yet they suffer in ways you describe) whom I have seen suffer (is this a speech or a personal statement?). I am overwhelmed (why?, you are just applying, not becoming one, at this point in your essay) that pharmacy is going to be my focus.

 

Further review will be charged at hourly rate. Email me for that. Paypal OK.


 
Posted on 08-29-08 12:21 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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ha ha ha

 you have crticized every sentence...

 


 
Posted on 08-29-08 1:47 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Sam,
 great piece there. Yes it was very original and creative. It's hard to write some thing like that without sounding like an ass. It's also hard to make tired old people in admissions office laugh. Do you know if the person got in their school of choice?

BTW, talking about risk, I heard about a kid who applied to MIT and was asked what was the biggest risk he had ever taken. He left the page blank and wrote at the bottom, 'This is the biggest risk I have taken.' This is what I mean by being creative, but an ass.
 


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