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 potpourri of useless stuff
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Posted on 05-03-10 2:43 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Start with a cage containing five monkeys.

Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him.

After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.

Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done round here.

And that, my friends, is how company policies are made.


 
Posted on 05-03-10 2:45 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Speel Checker a poem

I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.

 

Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

 

A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

 

Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

 

Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.

 

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.

 

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

 

That's why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.

 

Author Unknown


 
Posted on 05-03-10 2:56 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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At Logan Airport an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Last edited: 03-May-10 02:56 PM

 
Posted on 05-03-10 3:00 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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AOL
Always off line
ISDN
It Still Does Nothing
APPLE
Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI
System Can't See It
DOS
Defective Operating System
BASIC
Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM
I Blame Microsoft
DEC
Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM
Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete Monthly
OS/2
Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW
World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH
Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM
Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Math
COBOL
Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA
A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP
Lots of Infuriating Silly Parenthesis
MIPS
Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS
Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT
Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

 
Posted on 05-03-10 7:53 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Since u have so much time, why don't u post more?


Ramrai chha, aru jawos.


 
Posted on 05-03-10 10:13 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Computer Enhancers

Dozens of improvements to, totally meaningless, or 
humorous (intentional and otherwise), computer messages.








 

Everyone Hates Clippy!








 
Posted on 05-03-10 10:16 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Politics Explained

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.


 
Posted on 05-03-10 10:40 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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"The World As I See It" by Einstein

Einstein at his home in Princeton, New Jersey
"How strange is the lot of us mortals! Each of us is here for a brief sojourn; for what purpose he knows not, though he sometimes thinks he senses it. But without deeper reflection one knows from daily life that one exists for other people -- first of all for those upon whose smiles and well-being our own happiness is wholly dependent, and then for the many, unknown to us, to whose destinies we are bound by the ties of sympathy. A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life are based on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving...

"I have never looked upon ease and happiness as ends in themselves -- this critical basis I call the ideal of a pigsty. The ideals that have lighted my way, and time after time have given me new courage to face life cheerfully, have been Kindness, Beauty, and Truth. Without the sense of kinship with men of like mind, without the occupation with the objective world, the eternally unattainable in the field of art and scientific endeavors, life would have seemed empty to me. The trite objects of human efforts -- possessions, outward success, luxury -- have always seemed to me contemptible.

"My passionate sense of social justice and social responsibility has always contrasted oddly with my pronounced lack of need for direct contact with other human beings and human communities. I am truly a 'lone traveler' and have never belonged to my country, my home, my friends, or even my immediate family, with my whole heart; in the face of all these ties, I have never lost a sense of distance and a need for solitude..."

"My political ideal is democracy. Let every man be respected as an individual and no man idolized. It is an irony of fate that I myself have been the recipient of excessive admiration and reverence from my fellow-beings, through no fault, and no merit, of my own. The cause of this may well be the desire, unattainable for many, to understand the few ideas to which I have with my feeble powers attained through ceaseless struggle. I am quite aware that for any organization to reach its goals, one man must do the thinking and directing and generally bear the responsibility. But the led must not be coerced, they must be able to choose their leader. In my opinion, an autocratic system of coercion soon degenerates; force attracts men of low morality... The really valuable thing in the pageant of human life seems to me not the political state, but the creative, sentient individual, the personality; it alone creates the noble and the sublime, while the herd as such remains dull in thought and dull in feeling.

"This topic brings me to that worst outcrop of herd life, the military system, which I abhor... This plague-spot of civilization ought to be abolished with all possible speed. Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -- how passionately I hate them!

"The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion that stands at the cradle of true art and true science. Whoever does not know it and can no longer wonder, no longer marvel, is as good as dead, and his eyes are dimmed. It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion. A knowledge of the existence of something we cannot penetrate, our perceptions of the profoundest reason and the most radiant beauty, which only in their most primitive forms are accessible to our minds: it is this knowledge and this emotion that constitute true religiosity. In this sense, and only this sense, I am a deeply religious man... I am satisfied with the mystery of life's eternity and with a knowledge, a sense, of the marvelous structure of existence -- as well as the humble attempt to understand even a tiny portion of the Reason that manifests itself in nature."

Albert Einstein (signature)


 
Posted on 05-04-10 9:41 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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...You can play music on your phone by pressing the buttons on the top (1,2,3)...and along the side (6,9,#). But don't play the 4,5,7,8,*, or 0. They sound even worse than the others.




Happy Birthday

112163
112196
11#9632
969363

Auld Lang Syne
11113212
321139#
#9331212
321##91

Frere Jacques
12311231
369369
9#9631,9#9631
191,191

Mary Had a Little Lamb
3212333
222,399
3212333
322321

Louie, Louie
111-66-999-66

Help
911
911
911
911

 
Posted on 05-04-10 4:18 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Posted on 05-05-10 1:52 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Last edited: 05-May-10 01:52 PM

 
Posted on 05-06-10 10:49 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Ten Rules for Being Human

by Cherie Carter-Scott

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's yours to keep for the entire period.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, "life."
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."
4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There's no part of life that doesn't contain its lessons. If you're alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.
6. "There" is no better a place than "here." When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."
7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life's questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this.


 
Posted on 05-06-10 2:37 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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HUMOR:

During an IRS audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed...

... "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money

gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me fifty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."


 
Posted on 05-06-10 2:49 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead
chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all
travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea was to simulate the
frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the
strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on
the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were
made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken
hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield,
smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console,
snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the
back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..

The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the
experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the
British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

Defrost the chicken..


 
Posted on 05-06-10 4:12 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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OMEGLE CHAT SESSION:   

 
Posted on 05-06-10 4:19 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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J**** ***** 22 August at 07:48

Hi R****,
It was great seeing you and your husband the other day! Your son looks so big! The reason I’m writing to you today is a small matter of concern, mainly your dog. I’ve seen the way he’s been looking at my Fifi and I don’t like it. I can’t afford to take care of puppies right now so please make sure he stays away from my dog.
Hope to see you soon!
J****

R**** ********* 22 August at 14:23
Hi J****,
Ranger isn’t an outside dog and only goes outside to do his business on the other side of the house from your yard. If he’s ever outside of the yard, he’s always on leash, so he shouldn’t bother your dog.
Cheers,
R****

J**** ***** 25 August at 12:42
I warned you about your dog! He raped my baby and now Fifi is pregnant! I told you I can’t afford puppies, so I expect you to cover all costs. I’ll drop the vet bills off tonight.

R**** ********* 25 August at 16:11
Hi J***,
I’m sorry to hear that your dog is pregnant. However, I will not be paying for anything. There are three reasons for this.
1) Ranger has not been out of the house in over 2 weeks due to a nasty run in with some spear grass.
2) My dog is a bichon frise. Your dog is a great dane. Ranger couldn’t even reach Fifi without a ladder and a map, so rape is an incredibly harsh accusation. Fifi would have to be very willing for that pairing.
3) And really, this is the most important note: Ranger is fixed. He’s been neutered since we got him from the pound 2 years ago. I have all of the paperwork from the initial vet visit if you wish to see it.
I hope you find the father of her puppies. If not, you could sell them and try to recoup your losses.
Good luck,
R****

At 7PM that night, J**** came over to our house to drop off the vet bills. When we reiterated the fact that Ranger is fixed, he became verbally abusive and started making threats about raping our 15 month old son to get back at us. I, of course, called the police and pressed charges. Two weeks later, I received another email from J**** on Facebook.

John ***** 12 September at 12:42
Dear R****,
I’m sorry for uttering threats against you and your family. After speaking with my lawyer, I realize that it was wrong. I’ll tell you what, if you agree to drop the charges, you’ll only have to pay for half the vet bills.
Yours Truly,
J****

J**** ***** 12 September at 16:54
I’ll drop of an invoice at your house if that will be easier.

J**** ***** 12 September at 23:56
Sorry I missed you tonight. I’ll try again tomorrow!

J**** ***** 13 September at 11:23
Are you out of town? I left the invoice in your mailbox. You can pay me as soon as you get back.

J**** ***** 13 September at 13:21
Hello? I noticed you updated your Facebook status. Does that mean you’re home?

J**** ***** 13 September at 17:44
Your no longer on my friend list. Did you delete me?

J**** ***** 13 September at 19:56
Hello?

6 days ago we got a letter from J****’s lawyer about his intent to sue. I faxed the lawyer a copy of my dog’s medical records with the date he was neutered circled. We haven’t heard from either the lawyer or J**** since.

Dog-rape-P



 


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