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 पिरतिको बजारमा नबिक्ने नाम भएछु
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Posted on 06-05-10 1:20 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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updated
नया भर्सन
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
  बदनाम भएछु 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

देउता मानि पुजेको मैले
ढूंगो रहेछ, अन्धो रहेछु
स्वर्ग मानि चुमेको मैले
गल्ति रहेछ, बदनाम भएछु  ।

गल्ति रहेछ, बदनाम भएछु ॥

मैले ...
ढूंगा  संगै  प्रित लाएछु  !
ढूंगा  संगै  प्रित लाएछु ।
किन ? 
ढूंगा  संगै  प्रित लाएछु !
किन ? 
ढूंगा  संगै  प्रित लाएछु !

बदनाम भएछु, प्रेम गरेछु
एउटै भुलले बदनाम भएछु  ।
बदनाम भएछु, सस्तो भएछु
कत्तै नबिक्ने नाम भएछु  ।

कत्तै नबिक्ने नाम भएछु  ।

आज ...
पिरतिको बजारमा
कत्तै नबिक्ने नाम भएछु    !

व्यर्थै ...
बदनाम भएछु
व्यर्थै ...
बदनाम भएछु   !


जिन्दगि मानि रोजेको मैले
ढूंगो रहेछ, अन्धो रहेछु
भाग्य मानि चुमेको मैले
गल्ति रहेछ, बदनाम भएछु   ॥

गल्ति रहेछ, बदनाम भएछु   ॥
गल्ति रहेछ, बदनाम भएछु   ॥

कत्तै नबिक्ने नाम भएछु  ।
-------------------------------------------------------------------------



-------------------------------------------------------------------------
jhapaliketo
http://www.sajha.com/sajha/html/userinfo.cfm?username=jhapaliketo

wrote
"it's good but the bottom half seems to be a repeat."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

jhapaliketo,
thanks for the wise suggestion.
And, I've changed few, and I've even changed my style. I hope you will like it.

I've given few very serious thoughts. Your comments are welcomed and appreciated.

Thanks.

unchanged version
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
पुरानो भर्सन
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

बदनाम भएछु
प्रेममा फसेछु
त्यो सानो भुलले
ठुलै बदनाम भएछु ।

उसको जादु तोड्न सकिन
मन मारि भाग्न् सकिन
आँखा लाग्यो कस्को कस्को
सस्तो भाउमा बदनाम भएछु ।

बदनाम भएछु
सस्तो भएछु
पिरतिको बजारमा
नबिक्ने नाम भएछु ।

बदनाम भएछु
बदनाम भएछु
बदनाम भएर एउटा
नया सुरुवात भएछु ।

बदनाम भएछु
सस्तो भएछु
पिरतिको बजारमा
नबिक्ने नाम भएछु । x 2


-------------------------------------------------------------------------


-------------------------------------------------------------------------

कमेन्टस दिनुहोला ।
:-)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last edited: 05-Jun-10 01:26 AM
Last edited: 05-Jun-10 08:03 AM
Last edited: 09-Jun-10 12:25 PM
Last edited: 09-Jun-10 12:38 PM
Last edited: 09-Jun-10 12:52 PM
Last edited: 11-Jun-10 10:10 AM
Last edited: 11-Jun-10 10:12 AM

 
Posted on 06-05-10 1:30 AM     [Snapshot: 2]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Its good but the buttom half seems to be a repeat.
 
Posted on 06-05-10 8:02 AM     [Snapshot: 72]     Reply [Subscribe]
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.
Hi jhapaliketo
          

Thanks.

Yes, they are intentionally repeated.
Hmm... if that's irritating, than I would use some flexibility.

Thanks again.
Bye.

Last edited: 08-Jun-10 01:58 AM

 
Posted on 06-06-10 5:15 PM     [Snapshot: 198]     Reply [Subscribe]
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कबिबर सिम्पल केटा ज्यु को  'दर्द  भरे  नगमे  'बेजोड  छ् है |
 
Posted on 06-07-10 9:08 AM     [Snapshot: 311]     Reply [Subscribe]
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prabhat41
जि लाई मेरो नमस्ते ।
--------------------------------------------------


--------------------------------------------------
- "दर्द  भरे  नगमे" -
--------------------------------------------------


--------------------------------------------------
मुटु नदुखेको छ र कैले
कैले भोकले जलायो , कैले प्याश ले |
पिरती नदुखेको छ र कैले
कैले गरिबीले, कैले गेस्त्रिक ले |

नेपाली हुने गौरव पालेकै छु
दुइ गाँश भाते कोशिश मै छु   
मुटु र पिरती अनि जलेको नेपाल
नदुखेको छ र कैले, आशै मा त छु |
--------------------------------------------------


Last edited: 08-Jun-10 01:57 AM
Last edited: 09-Jun-10 12:45 PM

 
Posted on 06-09-10 12:44 PM     [Snapshot: 399]     Reply [Subscribe]
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पुरानोलाई नया तरिकाले पस्केको छु ।

कमेन्टस दिनु होला ।

घन्यबाद ।

 


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