Dear son,

Namaste. I hope this letter meets you well.

The last time I called you in America you angrily hung up the phone. So I wanted to write you a letter before I called again.

I know that we've made a lot of mistakes in your life. I know that to a large degree we ourselves are not aware of what we have done. We did a lot of things that in that time we thought it was a good decision. But looking back and understanding all the consequences and implications, we see that it was not a good decision. At this point we don't know how to make up for it. Nor do we understand all the specific details of the kinds of hardship you must have gone through because of our decisions. Maybe we don't even have the courage to listen to it. We have our own problems and issues. Life is not perfect on our end. And in many ways we just want you to cope with your issues in the same way that we are trying to cope with ours. Don't look for any ideal solutions. We don't. Nepal is a war zone. And our family is a war zone within the warzone called Nepal.
Your father and I have never learned to get along with each other. For us, it has been more a question of just learning to survive in the warzone known as our marriage. It is tough to cope with the situations that life puts us in.
I feel a lot of anguish both when I see my life and when I see your life. Things aren't perfect but at the same time I don't think that we need to give up hope either. We have to work with things as they are and believe that things will turn for the better. I know it's difficult.

What can I say? I am not success in life. But I'd like to think that I'm not a complete failure either. My life is something in between. Maybe your life is too. Maybe it doesn't feel like it from where you are, but I'd like to think it is.

I know that realizing where you are and how you've got where you are must be painful. You must have all kinds of hopes and dreams. I'm not sure to what degree your father and I contributed to your hopes and dreams being destroyed. We didn't do it on purpose. But it seems to have played out that way. We didn't understand the implications of our decisions. Currently we have nothing but apologies. But I don't think that is good enough for you.

I know you ask: why did all of this have to happen? I don't have the answer to that. All I know is that I wish you didn't have to go through all that you did. I never desired that for you.

Yes, you are probably right in thinking that I didn't take much time to really understand what you went through because of my decisions in your life. I had my own issues I was dealing with. I know that is not good enough. But that is my own hurtful truth. But I can't afford to feel the pain of that hurtful truth because I need to move on in my life.

I know I have made many bad decisions and have done bad things. I didn't do it deliberately. It is just that in the heat of desperation people tend to do irrational things. These are irrational things that have long term consequences in other people's life.

It is very difficult for me to write this letter to you. I am afraid of you. I fear how you are going to use the contents of this letter against me when we talk on the phone next time I call America. As much as I genuinely want to care about you and understand what you have gone through, it is my fear of your response to my open inquiries in your life that makes me not ask much. What can I do at this point? What is done is done.

I know that it is not good enough for you to hear the above words. You are coping with specific details of hardships that you have gone through. What can I say except to say that this is the life of a Nepali. There are many other Nepalis who share a similar destiny with you,

Sincerely,
Your mother,

Nepali Aama

Bhojpure,

I see the same thing.

The Nepali Aama seems like she has a lot of regrets but is trying to deal with a very difficult situation as best as she can. She is trying to relate to her son. She feels helpless but is trying to give her frustrated son some hope. But she is afraid of her son's anger. And even as she fears his anger, she still wants to help him. And she is reminding him that this is the life of a Nepali and that he is not alone.