Native to both the Arctic and Antarctic, bipolar bears are also referred to as north-south bears or, in the Inuit language, nanuq-depressive bears. In order to spend the entire year in the winter, bipolar bears move back and forth between the north and south poles. Similarly, they switch between "low" levels of depression (in the south) and "high" degrees of mania (in the north). The question of why these geographically-determined mood swings should be polar in nature has long puzzled both animal psychiatrists and conservationists.
Contrary to popular belief, bipolar bears are exclusively found in the north, where they are frequently seen acting erratically and wild, scaling icebergs, brutally breaking inukshuks, hunting to the point of exhausting fish stocks, jumping over igloos, and occasionally launching coups.
Manic Polar
Bears in the north usually exhibit emotions such as joy, bliss, annoyance, and/or mistrust. They may roar continuously for hours and possess a great deal of energy. They come up with extravagant ideas, some of which have caused them to run afoul of human governments in the past. In 2003, for instance, a few bipolar bears took over Hans Island, destroyed the Danish and Canadian flags, drank the liquor left at the base of the flags, and refused to leave. An international crisis resulted from this, but when the bears headed south for the summer to shoot heroin and watch blue collar television, tensions decreased.
Depressive Polar
Bipolar bears experience "sadness, guilt, isolation, loneliness, fatigue, and lack of motivation," according to psychiatrists in Antarctica. According to wildlife experts, they are "hibernating." Therapists have been sent in to try to help the unhappy creatures, but their efforts have not always been successful. However, on one occasion, a group of penguins nearby felt a great sense of relief as they were able to release the intense emotional agony that was hidden beneath their life tales. There was no obvious reason for the bears' unhappiness; in fact, their ample quantity of fur and fat served to shield them from any negative comments made about them. The bears also concealed whatever depression they may have had well, refusing to discuss it openly.
Conservation Status
The question of whether bipolar bears are endangered usually sparks heated debate. Conservatives maintain that they can never be endangered because they were never there in the first place, in contrast to conservationists who call for their protection. Because of the conservatives' viewpoint, the Assembly of Bipolar Bears sent a strongly worded letter, to which a well-known conservative responded, "if they think they exist, they're probably delusional." In response, the bears said they would add him to their list of endangered species. The Sierra Club made it plain through a spokeswoman that they did not believe the conservative in question was endangered (apart from maybe being harmed by himself), and even if he were, they would not be willing to save him from extinction.
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