just realised havent pasted some fwds in humour section for awhile.. hehe..anyways enjoy...:D


A woman has a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. When her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Then her husband comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
Lover Man says, "Yes, it is.
Little Boy - "I have a baseball."
Lover Man - "That's nice."
Little Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Lover Man - "No, thanks."
Little Boy - "My dad's outside."
Lover Man - "OK, how much?"
Little Boy - "$175.00"

A few weeks later, it happens again. The boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball mitt."
The lover remembering the last time says to the boy, "Okay, how much?"
Boy - "$375.00"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy responds," $550."
The father says, "That's terrible to take advantage of your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession
booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

Adult themes(sorry just some..:P hehe)-
----------------
There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?"

She replies "A c0ck."

He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough. A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question.

She replies, "A c0ck".

He is angry because she seemed more pure than the first but.... A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, "What is this?"

She giggles and says, "A pee-pee."

He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says, "That's your pee-pee."

He finally breaks down and says, "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a c0ck."

She laughs and says "No it's not, a c0ck is ten inches long and black."
................................................................................................

this next one is pretty long..but..one of the best i've come across..;)

ONE GOOD REASON WHY NOT TO FLIRT!!!!!
-------------------------------------------------------
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as
he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
..............................................................................
A Latino says, "When I've a finished a makin a da love with ah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstasy."

The Frenchman replies" Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."

The redneck says, "That ain't nothin buddy. When I've finished porkin' the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my weener on the curtains. She hits the freakin ceiling."hehehe
..................................................................................
The 69 position is like driving in rush hour, the asshole is always in
front of you!

Advantages of having an affair with a married women.
They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.
They do not swell and there are no wedding bells!
------------------------------------------
The Pu**y Poem:
This is a hole that never heals,
the more you rub it the better it feels.
But all the soap from here to hell,
can never remove that f**king smell.
--------------------------------------------
Question : What is the difference bet. a chicken & a baby?
Answer : A chicken is the result of a SITTING HEN whereas a baby is the result of a STANDING COCK!
-----------------------------------------------
My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still be in paradise. Why?
-Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!
---------------------------------------------
Q : Why do men snore when lying on their backs?
A : Because their balls flop over their arsehole and this causes an airlock!
---------------------------------------------
Q : What is the difference between a black and a white fairy tale?
A : White begins "Once upon a time......." Black begins "Y'all mo'f**kers a'int gonna believe this shit......"
---------------------------------------------
Q : What is the similarity between a wife & a chewing gum?
A : Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later.
---------------------------------------------
Q : What is the strongest muscle?
A : Tongue. Because it can raise woman's hip w/ just 1 lick.
---------------------------------------------
Q : What is the lightest muscle?
A : Penis. Because it can be raised by a woman's lips!
...........................................................................................

Work humour
------------------
Put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling.

Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.

Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up.

Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder. One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room.

Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious, but undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder. All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why.However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.

One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced. Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.

...............................................................................................

Oxford Dictionary's latest definition of the following words:-

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Divorce : Future tense of marriage.

Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.

Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.

Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.

Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father : A banker provided by nature.

Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

think that will suffice some ppl for today...(or maybe was a bit too much..err ok not bit..way..;P..whole time felt li was junk mails..guess i was hehe..didnt know fwding could be so fun..:P) have fun..:D

oops forgot to paste the end for the monkey joke hehe...
might as weel paste it al over again.:S

Put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling.

Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.

Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up.

Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder. One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room.

Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious, but undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder. All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why.However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.

One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced. Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why

"AND THAT'S HOW ANY COMPANY'S POLICIES GET ESTABLISHED"
................................................................................................
and will add one more to atone for my mistake..:P


Diff Between Prison and Work
-------------------------------------
IN PRISON - you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT
AT WORK - you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON - you get three meals a day.
AT WORK - you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON - you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK - you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON - the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT
WORK - you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON - you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK - you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON - you get your own toilet.
AT WORK - you have to share with some idiot who urinates on the seat.

IN PRISON - they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK - you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON - all expenses are paid by the taxpayer with no work required.
AT WORK - you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON - you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK . you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON - you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK - they are called managers.

So - why is it again that you work?

phewwwww........read it all.....now my eyes need some rest !!!;-P

WoooOooo...Danny, liked it liked it again, that was actually worth all that readin!! If it hadnt been funny, then u know who to say hello to mister..Whack Whack!! ;o)

I liked the Nutty Facts, this is a strange ol world, so i wouldnt be surprised if it was true!
The Adult theme section was totally hilarious, especially ur fave one (now one of mine!) about the Halloween party,hahahaha.... lemme tell ya im reading this at nite so i couldnt laugh out loud,had to put my hand over my trap so wont wake everybody! Hee heeee! ;o)

Anywayz, cheers for all that, keep posting Danny!!

Domi

hahahaha....... i haven't had so much fun reading jokes in a long time .......i wanted to point out the stuffs i liked but there are too many.......the di*k wiping redneck was off the hook man......keep them comin

u guys sure ..u read it all?? hehe :P
didnt know ppl appreciated fwd junk mails..:P
anyways took me a while to find this thread...sajha is moving a bit too fast...
either that or..san deleted my thread again hehe...
i dunno if u guys saw this video before...when i did post it last time...san deleted it...guess hehe it was the heading i put..what was i thinking??:|

anywayss heres some more stuffs before i get back to what i was doing originally before i came here...enjoy..:D

Boyfren sees gal fren being...
------------------------------------
www.cc.nctu.edu.tw/~u9014102/BBDB_08646_0028797W.MPG


BEST MAID PLAN
--------------------

some more.pics....hope it comes clear had to reduce the size and change to gif format...urghh..:S(how come i post jpg files..??:|)
Dream ATM machine(made for guys..;) hehe)

Rrrr...Rated hehe

GEAR
-------

You seen a lot of version of this...think this is a bit diff from the one posted here before..i could be wrong..but well wanna del it once i post it..so here goes...:D

work joke...

last one for the night...;)

dedicated to relax_singh...;)

Sardarji applied to a Medical School .. needless to say he never made it . Because these are the answers he gave for medical terms.

Antibody - against everyone

Artery - the study of fine paintings

Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria

Benign - what you be after you be eight

Bowel - letters like a,e,i,o,u

Caesarian Section - a district in Rome

Cardiology - advanced study of Poker playing

Cat Scan - searching for lost kitty

Chronic - neck of a crow

Coma - punctuation mark

Cortisone - area around local court

Cyst - short for sister

Diagnosis - person with slanted nose

Dilate - the late British Princess Diana

Dislocation - in this place

Duodenum - couple in blue jeans

Enema - not a friend

False Labor - pretending to work

Genes - blue denim

Groin - to mash to a pulp / smile

Hernia - she is close by

Hymen - greeting to several males

Impotent - distinguished / well-known

Labor Pain - hurt at work

Lactose - people without feet

Lymph - walk unsteadily

Menopause - I no wait

Microbes - small dressing gowns

Obesity - City of Obe

Pacemaker - winner of Nobel Peace Prize

Protein - in favor of teens

Pulse - grain

Pus - small cat

Red Blood Count - Dracula

Rupture - Ecstasy

Secretion - hiding anything

Subcutaneous - not cute enough

Suture - Gujrati for "what do you want"

Tablet - small table

Tumor - extra pair

Ultrasound - radical noise

Urine - opposite of you're out

Varicose - very close

Vas Deferens - extremely different

Vein - at what time?

Vitreous Humor - both witty & funny


have fun..:D

Pheewwwww........ dananah !!

What a thread ! Finally managed to read all of them despite my exams going on ...... and maaan, were they funny !!!!

Never heard most of them before, so it was "sun ma sugandha" !! I loved them all, and by the way, thanx for the dedication ...........

Anyway, keep up the good postings, dude !!!

P.S. : the medical school paper belongs to none of my relatives ....... i inquired !!! ;- )

relax_singh welcome..:D..alik malai pani dedicate gardeu..;)..:P

this thread had disappeared..hehe...anyways since i got some more junk mails...gonna revie it..;)
have fun..:D

singh another dedicated to you..;)(and to those who lop simpsons..:D)
http://www.badmash.org/singhson.php

another link...check it outhttp://home.mn.rr.com/t1camp1/Focus.swf
*************************************************************************
< b>Redneck Cont...
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?", asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No SIR," Earl replied, "we're on the patch."

**********************************************************************
Silent Dinner

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle.He finally finds one for a great price,but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.

"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him,

"Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams,

"OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE DAMN DISHES!!"

some more hehe gotta get rid of the junks ;)
**********************************************************************
Cowboy

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.

But what the heck," he says to himself. I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "Whats the name of your penis?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, " I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of you penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because it really Satisfies."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer,

Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX."

The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says,

"So, What do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One.

"Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford Lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY....Like A Rock!" and gives a wink.

Even more shaken, then the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
**********************************************************************
This is from an actual trial in the UK??

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing.

She had him arrested. Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.

His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.

She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read:'William's Stick Did The Trick'.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'

The case was dismissed.(..think I might have read it here on sajha before but oh well..sue me for recyling..:P)
**********************************************************************

cheers..:D

getting tired..:S..:P
**********************************************************************
RA Jokes

During pregnancy:
The 1st three months, do it the normal style
Next three months do it the doggy style
And the last three months do it the wolf style.
Sit outside the hole and howl.


Latest statistics on 'what men do after SEX???
2% eat
3% smoke cigarettes
4% take a shower
5% go to sleep
86% get up and go back home to their wife.
HOW TRUE!!!

What did Newton's d*ck say to him after seeing a nude woman?
“F*ck you and your law of gravity, I'm going UP."

Man was sobbing in a bar. His friend asked 'why?'
He says: "my wife makes me pay $ 100/- for every f*ck!"
Friend tells him: "you're lucky, she charges others $ 250/-"

Lady scolds her maid for inefficiency. Angry maid says, " at least I am better than you in bed."
Lady (amazed): "Did boss tell you this?"
Maid: "No, the driver did."

What is the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
" After a year, the dog is still excited to see you."

A wife complains to the doctor that her hubby is 300% impotent.
The doc asks "how 300%?"
She says: "you know about the 100%, and now he has broken his finger and burnt his tongue."

Teacher: "why buffaloes get depressed after milking?
Student: "Ma'am, if your boobs are rubbed for 2 hours & then you are left unf*cked , how wouldyou feel?

**********************************************************************
The Man and the witch and the frog
A man was not really happy about his dick... it was actually too long, 50cm long. He did not know what to do and went to a witch to ask for advice.

The witch thought for a long time before she said: Walk into the forest and you w ill meet a frog. Ask the frog it wants to marry you. If it says "no" your dick will shrink with 10cm, but if it says yes" it will grow 10cm so the risk is yours.

The man thought about this for a while but decided it was worth the risk. He walked into the forest, found the frog and asked it: Will you marry me little frog? No, said the frog.

The man ran home and measured his dick. Happily he found that it had shrunk down to 40cm. The man was so excited about the results that he ran back into the forest and asked the frog again. - Will you marry me little frog? No, said the frog. The man ran home and measured his dick. Again he found
that it had shrunk 10cm down to 30cm.

The man was thinking, "20cm, that would be the perfect size" and ran back into the forest. He met the frog again and asked him again: Will you marry me little frog?

The frog answered him: Sweet Jesus what is wrong with you? I already told you NO! NO! NO!
(another already posted joke??hehe I dunno ..I never seem to stop myself from grinning when I re read this joke hehe… we are never satisfied ever are we??:P.)
**********************************************************************

Consultants

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an
organization...

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.

This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon.

"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was rather impressed. I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies

My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice.
"Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom."

"How so?" "See," he continued," by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

**********************************************************************

last one for now..if this goe thru..:D...
**********************************************************************
Boss Welcome

Dear Staff

Welcome back to the office after the long year-end holiday break of 2003.
Please be advised that there are new rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our company in 2004.

ATTIRE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

TOILET USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

SURGERY:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice day,
THE MANAGEMENT

**********************************************************************
The darnest things kids say
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you knowthe person
FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to bea fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
-- Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)& nbsp;


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8


And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
**********************************************************************
Something to think about

MONEY

It can buy a House...............But not a Home

It can buy a Bed..................But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock................But not Time

It can buy you a Book..........But not knowledge

It can buy you a Position......But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine.......But not Health

It can buy you Blood............But not Life

It can buy you Sex..............But not Love

So you see money isn't everything.

And it often causes pain and suffering.

I tell you all this because I am your Friend,

and as your Friend I want to take away

your pain and suffering..............

So send me all your money..........

And I will suffer for you…;)...MUHHAAHAHAHAHAAHA!!! :P

SLIP OF THE TONGUE-OR WORSE
>These are all funny, but the last one is a riot!! Ever spoken and
>wished that you could take the words back...or that you could crawl
>into a hole?
>
>
>Here are a few people who do....
>
>I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
>asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
>I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband
>didn't say a word... he knew better.
>
>
>I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I
>was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing
>for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking
>gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
>Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing
>with men's balls."
>
>
>My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store called "Nuts
>about You" that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the
>display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
>I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to
>laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked
>away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
>
>
>While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
>release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab
>hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
>patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now"
>she would be punished.
>
>
>To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
>threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma
>that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
>
>
>The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
>tellers stopped what they were doing mustered up the last of my
>dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last
>thing I heard when the door closed behind me was screams of laughter.
>
>
>A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally
>got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price
>tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom
>and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE
>THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE."
>
>That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently
>misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like
>tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND
>YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
>
>
>Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-
>year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on
>him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
>between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
>enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked
>my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realised that
>Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he
>needed to go, and he said "No."
>
>I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I
>don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE
>you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he
>must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
>Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
>This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread
>his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people
>nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up
>his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking
>me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
>
>
>This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
>embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
>before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get
>any...? a true story...
>We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to
>have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob,
>where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE
>have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing
>so hard!

Who Sank the Titanic?!

A Chinese man walks into a bar in America late one night and he sees Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your
Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese man gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the
Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese man, replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carsberg, you're all the same."

=====================================================

Made In Japan

A Japanese man was in a hurry to go to the Subang airport, so he took a Proton taxi. The taxi driver took his sweet time driving within the speed limit but the Jap was getting impatient.

The following is their conversation on the way to the airport.

A Toyata Camry overtook the taxi.....zoom....

Jap: Look ...look ...Toyota!! ...very fast!!!.... made in Japan! Proton... no good.... made in Malaysia
Driver: yah....

After a few minutes a Nissan overtook the taxi....zoom.

Jap: look.... look.... Nissan!!!..... very good!! very fast! made in Japan! Proton.... no good.... made in Malaysia
Driver: yah....yah...

After a few minutes a Honda overtook the taxi...zooom.

Jap: look.... look... Honda!!.... very GOOD!!....very fast!!....made in Japan! Proton... no good... made in Malaysia
Driver: yah...yah...yah....!

Arriving at the airport. Jap going to pay the taxi driver.

Jap: How much?
Driver: RM150/-
Jap: Oh... very expensive..... you overcharge!!
Driver: Noooo .... look .... look .... meter!!....very good!!.... very fast!.... Made in Japan!
Jap: ..... :|

Wooowwww..those were great Eddiee topah and Danny topah....took me a while but got there in the end..woohhooo!!!

Domi