no jokes for a while so here i go postin some i found on a net page..:o)..
(should i give the link to the page..i dun think so..its me PRECIOUS!!MUHHAHHA :oP)
enjoy if u havent read them...all of them same old recyled stuffs....:o)



Before it starts

Keith comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.


He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."

Keith sighs and says, "It's started . . "
***********************************************************
How to explain..

Out in the middle of darkest Africa there was a White Missionary living with a tribe of black natives.

One day the big chief comes along and calls the Missionary into his hut, where he was sharpening his big axe. He explains to the white man that his daughter has just given birth to a white baby, and that since the missionary's the only white man for thousands of miles, the missionary will be the "main course" at dinner that night.

"Now just hang on a minute, give me a chance to explain, chief," says the Missionary. "You're jumping to conclusions here. Let me tell you a story.

See all those white sheep out in the field and how there's one black one amongst them."

The Chief thinks for a moment. "OK!" says the Chief, "You say nothing, I say nothing."
*******************************************************
Who's seat is this?

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."
*****************************************************
When you are old

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.You always feel like you have to pee.? And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old.? "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?" "No, I crap every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."
*******************************************************
The Will

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:

"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."

The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."

The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"
***********************************************************
On New Year's Eve, a lady stood up at the local pub and said that it was
time to get ready for the celebrations.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to
the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing.

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

********************************************************************

Continued...


Happy Valentine Day

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
****************************************************************

Watch it!

A well off young man was moving from one house to another, a few streets away.

Observing with dismay the care-free way in which the moving crew yanked his cherished antiques about, he was filled with a desire to save from possible damages a tall grandfather's clock which he prized highly.

Taking the clock in his arms he started for the new house. But the clock was as tall as its owner, and heavy besides, and he had to put it down every few feet and rest his arms and mop his streaming brow. Then he would clutch his burden and stagger on again. After half an hour of these strenuous exertions he was nearing his destination, when an intoxicated person who had been watching his labors from the opposite side of the road took advantage of a halt to hail him.

"Mister," he said thickly, "could I ash you a quest'n?"

"What is it?" demanded the exhausted young man.

"Why on earth don't you carry a watch?"
*****************************************************************


It's all right Honey....

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It
was so far out, there was no electricity.

When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and
her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high
so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did
so.

The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn
baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first
breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again,"
the 5-year-old said.
*****************************************************************

Never felt better!

An old farmer was on his way for a night out on the town. He loaded his old hound dog into the buggy, had his favorite horse pulling the buggy, and was on his way. He had just rounded a curve when a speeding Mercedes ran into the back of his rig, wiping him out.

After months recovering he finally had his day in court. The defense called the local sheriff as a witness.

The defense lawyer asked, "Did the plaintiff have anything to say when you approached him at the scene of the accident?"

The sheriff replied, "Yes sir. The plaintiff said, 'I never felt better.'"

The plaintiff's lawyer was very upset at this, and whispered to the farmer, "Did you really say that?"

"I sure did, but don't worry, just put me on the stand," he replied.

So, the plaintiff's lawyer called the farmer and asked, "Did you really say, you 'never felt better?'"

The farmer replied, "I sure did. But you gotta understand. When the sheriff came in on the scene, he went over to my dog who was badly injured, bleeding and looked down at him, shook his head, then shot the dog.

Then he walked over to my horse who had three broken legs, really hurt bad, looked down at him, shook his head, then shot the horse.

Then the sheriff came over to me, looked down at me and asked how I felt. So of course, I replied, "I never felt better!

*****************************************************************
Wedding Translation


During the weeks before Brenda's wedding, she was terribly anxious about
making mistakes at the ceremony.

The minister reassured her several times, pointing out that the service was
not difficult and that she would do just fine.

"All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church you
walk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR.
Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN....Then we shall get on
with the ceremony. All you have to remember is the order in which those
things happen and you can't go wrong."

The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for his
bride to appear.

When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating to
herself, "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn."

At that very moment, the bridegroom realized that his friends who had warned
him about marriage were correct, as her thoughts which he could now hear
quite clearly - "I'll alter him. I'll alter him."

*****************************************************************

Controlling your woman

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the
amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"

(reminds me of gal..wahahaha :oP)
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View/Share this post only

a bit RA but hey just jokes ..;o)..


What do you want for your birthday?

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"

She said, "I'd love to be ten again."

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they
went to a theme park.

He put her on every ride in the park --the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop,
the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and
her stomach upside down.

Into McDonalds they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra
fries and a strawberry shake.

Then off to a theater to see Star Wars--more burgers, popcorn, cola and
sweets.

At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten
again?"

One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size."


Tis a shame

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having a beer and watching the brothel
across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said,
"Aye,'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."

Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen
said, "What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill."

*****************************************************************
Ya gonna fix that or what

Maw is outside hangin' up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen.
Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse."

Paw says, "All right, Maw." Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it and
says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole."

Paw says, "I ain't puttin' my head in that there hole!"

Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna fix the problem!"

So Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit, mind ya) and then
hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole."

Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! Ouch! Maw! MAW, my
beard's stuck in the wood cracks in the seat!"

Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"
*****************************************************************
Gardening tricks


A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her
tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had
the most beautiful
garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato
garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to
her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she
exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how
did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous.

*****************************************************************
Arthritis

A man who reeked of alcohol flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The
man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half
empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket pocket.

He opened his newspaper and started reading. After a few minutes, the
disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked "Say, Father, do you know what
causes arthritis?"

The priest, disgusted by the man's appearance and behavior snapped "It's
caused by loose living,
being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your
fellow man!"

"Well, I'll be," the man muttered and returned to his newspaper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized,
"I'm sorry to have come
on so strong - I didn't mean it. How long have you been suffering from
arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
*****************************************************************
Get a handle on it...


During the wedding reception in the family mansion, the bride's Grandfather
slipped her five $100 bills which she concealed in her glove, since he told
her to keep it for "mad money".

By tradition, the couple spent their first night together in the family's
historic house. The bride's Grandmother saw her sneaking down the stairs
later that night, and asked where she was going. "I left my gloves in the
library, Grand-MaMa, and it's important that I have them."

"Oh you youngsters !" the Grandmother sighed. "You march yourself right back
upstairs and grab hold of that damm thing with your bare hands just as I did
your Grandfather
*****************************************************************
That grass is looking GOOD!


Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally they
came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume
and learned the mating call of a cow moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the
costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a
clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the
forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in
front said, "OK, lets get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted,
"The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted,
"The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but
you'd better brace yourself.

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hoina yo mula le DOMI lai patauna.. ke saryo joke tasnu pareko..

euta line bhaye pugcha... sajha nai hadapnu ta pardaina ba


yb

last but not least(for today :o)..)




Try these on...

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their
wedding night.

As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his
pants to his bride and said, "here put these on."

She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't
wear your pants," she said.

"That's right!!", said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man
who wears the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "try these on." He tried
them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap.

He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"

She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your
damn attitude changes!"

*****************************************************************
It's cold outside....

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.
When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.
When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well
put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says
again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well put them
here between my legs and warm them up."

He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he
returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your *ears* ever get
cold?"
*****************************************************************

Are you always this nice?


A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blond
eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but
lacked the nerve to go talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards
the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.

"Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in
the socket. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited
him back to her place for a drink.

They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him into the
bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many
times during the night.

The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him
breakfast in bed.

The guy was amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this
nice to every guy you meet?"

"No, she replied....

You just happened to catch my eye!"

*****************************************************************
The ATM


Johnny, Kurt and Jim (The Guys) are at the Saigon Passion strip joint.

The girl is shaking her stuff in front of them wearing a G-string.

Johnny (showing off) pulls out a $20 bill, licks it and sticks it on her
butt cheek.

Kurt (trying to show up Johnny) pulls out a $50 bill, licks it and sticks it
on her other butt cheek.

Jim pulls out his ATM card swipes it down the crack of her butt and puts the
20 and the 50 in his wallet.

*****************************************************************
Be Strong


An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of
his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and
tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man
to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the
bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.

Suddenly he got up and left the room.

As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride,
his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in
years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just
cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just
go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or
make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says:

"Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a
woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my
ear.

He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in
the bathroom.

Be strong and I love you, too."


*****************************************************************

The last straw..

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband
a big french kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a
divorce!"

I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a
divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in
Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany,
no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the
decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his
arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.
*****************************************************************

OI YB!! yo jokes ta saab manchey lai ho... ;o)...topahni lai yo jokes haru ta...pathai sakhoy long time ago hehe...and if jokes could patauney her...ma aphai original jokes haru banauthei hehe..if i couldnt i would have posted i dunno sajha would be ajoke site by now..:oP...

alik ajo time thio alik humour share gareyko ni ;o)..sajha seems dead these days...:oS..(today chai alik alive :o)..)anyways dyam since im repling to u..heres some more recyled stuffs hehe....want more??:oP ..enjoy ni ;o)...




The Parents


A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams
across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he finally gets up
the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she
agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening. Saturday
night the man arrives at her house with flowers and candy.

To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry,"
she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce
you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I
should warn you, though, they are both deaf mutes." With this she ushers
him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly
disappears.

As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable as both of the parents
are completely silent.
Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching golf on TV, and Mom is busy knitting.

After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom jumps from her chair,
pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a glass of water
over her fanny.
Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the
couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and
balances a match stick in front of his eye. The room is plunged back into
eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief.

After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready
for the evening. The date is a complete disaster with the young man
completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room.

At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done
something wrong?"

"No, its not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened
while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. Well, first your
Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties,
and throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that weren't
enough, your Father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does
her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick by his eye."

"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.

The man can't believe her casual response
.
"Mom was simply saying, "Are you going to get this asshole a drink?" and
Dad was replying, "No, screw him - I'm watching the match."

*****************************************************************
Sleeping late? I think not...


A Doctor husband and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The
husband gets up in a rage and says, "and you are no good in bed either" and
storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings
her up.

She comes to phone after many rings and the irritated husband says "what
took you so long to answer the phone"?

She says, "I was in bed".

"In bed this late, doing what"?

"Getting a second opinion" she says.

*****************************************************************
What to get her?

A fellow was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my
wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to
buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate saying
she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way that she wants it. She'll
probably be thrilled."

So the fellow did.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said the fellow.

"...And did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out
the door yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!!!"

*****************************************************************
What're you doing?

A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love.

The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her. She wants more and they do
it again. She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute I have
to relive myself."

While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat.

He asks the guy "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her
four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll
take over for me."

The guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on
the window and shines a light on them.

The cop asks "What're you doing in there?"

The guy says "I'm making love to my wife."

The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?"

The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until
you shined the light on her."
*****************************************************************